Porn is a HUGE problem for many marriages today. Nearly every day, I receive messages from husbands and wives who are heartbroken over their spouse’s porn habit. They are desperate to figure out what to do next to help their spouse break their habit and restore the trust and intimacy that has been lost in their relationship. I am no stranger to this situation, as I have shared with you in other blogs many times. So, what are we supposed to do when we find out our spouse has a porn habit? Well, it’s a process, and these six steps are a good start: 

1. Try to stay calm.

Calm your anger and abandon wrath. Don’t be angry— it only leads to evil. Psalm 37:8 

When you find out that your spouse has been looking at porn, it’s easy to want to freak out on them. But, that won’t get us very far; in fact, it will only make things worse. Sure, we have every reason to be upset and angry, and it’s healthy to let tears flow. However, we can’t allow rage to get ahold of us by staying angry. Instead, we must pray and ask God to give us peace that surpasses understanding. We must also ask God to give us the words to talk to our spouse about this issue and ask Him to prepare our spouse’s heart and mind to be ready to confess and address their porn habit. When we pray, God calms our spirit and gives us a clearer view of how we need to approach a situation. 

So, please know that it is okay to be angry and heartbroken over this. What your spouse has done is wrong and goes against your marriage. However, your ability to calmly address the issue will pave the path for their recovery and the restoration of your marriage. 

2. Recognize that porn is an enemy to your marriage, and address the issue as soon as possible.

But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:28 

The porn industry is a juggernaut. They bring in more revenue than all the major television networks combined. And, they’ve got sinful human nature on their side. Any of us can fall to this temptation if we aren’t careful. For years, the porn industry has tried to convince the world that porn is simply a way to spice things up in your relationship or a means to satisfy your sexual appetite. They want us to believe that it is harmless, but this couldn’t be farther from the truth. 

Studies have shown that porn desensitizes us over time, and therefore, it takes more and more to satisfy our sexual appetite. That is precisely why it is detrimental to our marriage. We are nearly incapable of being sexually satisfied by our spouse when our porn habit rules us. 

So, if you find porn on your spouse’s computer, and they confess to having a porn addiction, both of you must call porn what it is–sin and an enemy to your marriage. You can’t brush it off and act like it will go away on its own. A porn habit left unchecked often becomes a full-blown addiction. Therefore, you both must address it head-on and work together to get your spouse the help they need to overcome the habit. 

3. FORGIVE your spouse quickly.

You are the people of God; he loved you and chose you for his own. So then, you must clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Be tolerant with one another and forgive one another whenever any of you has a complaint against someone else. You must forgive one another just as the Lord has forgiven you. Colossians 3:12-13 
It was St. Augustine, who said, “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.” Isn’t that the truth? When we refuse to forgive, we are the ones who hurt the most. Consequently, our relationships remain stagnant. For healing to take place, we must forgive. 

Your spouse broke your trust by looking at porn, but holding it over their head won’t heal them or your marriage. Forgiveness is what makes healing possible. 

Forgiving your spouse for their porn habit doesn’t mean that you are okay with what they did. It just means that you are willing to pursue healing over vengeance. You are willing to give them a chance to rebuild your trust. 

4. Help your spouse to have accountability.

Without counsel, plans fail, but with many advisers, they succeed. Proverbs 15:22 

This step is essential to breaking a porn habit or addiction. My husband and I are big fans of XXXChurch.com, which offers amazing resources and accountability software to help people recover from their porn habit and heal their relationship. There are also a lot of resources for those trying to cope with their spouse’s porn habit and recovery. You can even talk to someone on the phone who can walk you through this by enrolling in online support groups. 

Whatever you do, make sure you both take measures to hold them accountable when it comes to their porn addiction. This may mean that your spouse doesn’t have access to their smartphone or home computer for a time. Your spouse may need to join a support group for those trying to recover from a porn habit. They may even need to start seeing a Christian counselor regularly, as well. Any or all of these steps will help your spouse to move towards healing, and as their spouse, you can encourage them to get the help they need. 

5. Know that your spouse’s porn habit is NOT your fault.

But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. James 1:14 

When I found porn on my husband’s computer many years ago, I was shocked and heartbroken. I couldn’t believe that he was looking at those disgusting sites. I was so angry and hurt, and I started to feel inadequate. I wondered why he had felt the need to look at porn, and I felt like I was the one to blame. All these negative thoughts started filling my mind telling me that I wasn’t pretty enough, or sexy enough, or good enough to satisfy my husband. I blamed myself. 

As I have talked with many women in this same predicament over the years, I’ve realized this is a common sentiment. As spouses, we so long to be desirable to one another. So, when we find out that our spouse has sought out sexual satisfaction through pornography, we feel completely undesirable. It stings deeply. Sometimes, we need to sit down and talk to a counselor to process.  

Please know that you did nothing wrong. You did not lead your spouse to develop a porn addiction. It’s not your fault–it’s sin. We live in a sex-saturated world full of sinful opportunities, and your spouse, like mine, fell for it. As human beings, we aren’t perfect. At times, we are easily tempted, and we fail miserably. We get caught in webs we didn’t even know we were actively weaving before we’re completely entangled with no easy way out. The good news is, we serve a God of second chances. He doesn’t leave us to suffer in shame and despair. He offers us forgiveness, healing, and new life through Jesus. 

6. Remember that recovery and healing takes time, prayer, and patience–but, it will come when you both refuse to give up.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3 

Though it’s not easy, you must try your very best to be patient with your spouse’s recovery process and your emotional healing. You may have mixed feelings about being intimate with your spouse after finding out that they have a porn habit, and that is understandable. Take it little by little. Talk to your spouse about how you are feeling, and ask them how they are feeling, too. Keep the dialogue going, and this will help you both to stay connected and move towards healing. There is hope for your spouse to recover from porn. Your heart will heal, and your marriage and intimacy will be restored through prayer, patience, and persistence to pursue healing through these steps. You are not alone. 

For more tools to help you build a strong marriage, please check out The Naked Marriage Podcast and join us for one of our live events happening all around the nation. You can learn more at xomarriage.com. 

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No one can escape fear, it is a feeling that everyone experiences, no matter how big or small you are. Fear is both beneficial (positive) and harmful (negative), which we would all like to avoid. Good fear protects our lives, provides vigilance and wisdom on how to protect ourselves; and the negative paralyzes, depresses, and takes away the strength and determination to move forward. 

Interestingly, we live in the safest times, when medicine, science, and education are as advanced as they have ever been before. But even now, scientists studying the 21st century speak and write that this age and today’s culture is the most intense time of fear. Fear arises from not knowing the answers to fundamental human questions: what is my past? Who am I now? What awaits me in the future? The outlook for the future is extremely vague for man today, with so much talk about global warming, uncontrollable diseases and uncontrollable viruses, an unprecedented economic downturn and so on. What awaits us in the future? What awaits our children? How much longer can this land live? What will happen tomorrow and in 30 years? 

Unfortunately, no science or doctors have answers to these questions. At this point, I would like to emphasize that this era is not only the age of the greatest progress, but also the age of the greatest disbelief. When so strongly attached to new inventions, technologies, and the power of the mind, which is not in itself any evil, human nature, its purpose, and the importance of believing in God as the Creator and authority of the universe are mentioned and forgotten here. Lack or absence of faith causes the growth of fear and ignorance in the lives of all of us, which leads to increasing manifestations of anxiety attacks, fear, depression. The only faith in God, His Word, His sacrifice on the cross, His childish hope can overcome and dispel all oppressive fears. We must not forget that man is created for communication with God, such is the purpose of our life – to be and talk to our Creator every day, to communicate on all matters of concern to us. Trust him more than a doctor or teacher, a neighbour or even a friend. 

Faith arises from reading God’s Word and grows through regular abiding in Him and close fellowship with God in prayer. The great men or women of the faith recorded in the Bible experienced many fears and hardships, but their gaze did not stop there: Abraham, who later became the Father and example of the faith of all Jews and Christians, trusted in God’s call, left the safe land of his fathers and went into the unknown, only believing the promise that God will show, “The Lord said to Abram, ‘Leave your land, your kindreds, your fathers’ houses, and go to the land which I will show you. And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and you will be a blessing” (Genesis 12: 1-2). Anointed by the prophet Samuel to be king, David was persecuted for many years and hid in caves from King Saul, suffering many wrongs and losses, so he wrote, “I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34: 4). “The LORD is my light and my salvation: what shall I fear? The LORD is my strength: and why should I tremble?” (Psalm 27: 1). When the people of Israel were spoiled, and suffered in fear, then God said to them: “But now, this is what the LORD says – he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze’ “ (Isaiah 43: 1-2). In all situations, God came and supernaturally saved those who trusted in Him. 

Today God has remained and is doing the same – He wants to help every wounded or frightened heart, to answer your biggest questions and fears, to give hope where there seems to be no hope left. Jesus says, “I have not come to destroy life. I came to the rescue. I came to liberate. I came not to take away life. I came to have life, to have it in abundance.” 

My only understanding is that in the face of my greatest fears, I must choose faith in Christ, who is in control of everything and can resolve and control any situation; can give me hope and a way to act even in the most unpredictable way. Instead of fear of tomorrow, the economic crisis, my family or children, and perhaps the future of the country, I choose communion and prayer with God, and He provides heavenly peace and supernatural security for an unpredictable tomorrow and a fragile future. In the face of our greatest fears, let us delve into God, His Word, His nearness – from there comes true peace, wise decisions, and victories. “Ye that fear the LORD, trust in the LORD; He is your help and your shield” (Psalm 115: 11). 

Jūratė Kapačinskienė

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“Moses grew up and became a man. He refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. He chose not to enjoy the pleasures of sin that last such a short time. Instead, he chose to suffer with God’s people. He did this because he had faith. He thought it was better to suffer for the Messiah than to have all the treasures of Egypt. He was waiting for the reward that God would give him. Moses left Egypt because he had faith. He was not afraid of the king’s anger. He continued strong as if he could see the God no one can see.” (Hbr 11, 24-27).

The author of the book of Hebrews tells us that Moses chose to give up life as a prince of Egypt “for the sake of Christ” (11:26). Many people read that and wonder how Moses knew about Christ since he lived fifteen hundred years before Jesus. I’ll tell you how: Moses knew by faith. He trusted God. As the Passover lambs were being slaughtered, it was a foreshadowing of the death of Christ. And Moses had faith that if God could save His people from the tenth plague by the blood of livestock, He could also save them from their sins. 

Faith not only saved Moses, it helped him to choose obedience. You see, when we give up the pleasures of this world in order to follow Christ, the road is never easy. Moses discovered this to be true in the wilderness as he led the stubborn, complaining Israelites for forty years. Faith is what sustained him. Faith is the key. 

If you study the gospels, you’ll notice that Jesus never praised His disciples for their power, their wisdom, or their passion. But at times, He did praise them for their faith. Faith as small as a mustard seed can move a mountain and hurl it into the middle of the sea. Faith casts out demons. Faith makes God’s power manifest in the darkest of circumstances. Moses had this sort of faith, and by it, he could trust God to fulfil His promises, even those that were a long way off. 

Prayer: Father, I want to develop deep faith in You. Help me to reflect on Your goodness and faithfulness. May I remember Your sure promises to strengthen my faith and choose to obey You even when the task is hard. I pray in the name of Jesus. Amen. 

 ”He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward” (Hebrews 11:26). 

Michael Youssef, Ph.D.

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In the late 1960’s, one song simply titled Respect, launched the meteoric career of a young artist from Tennessee and raced to the top of the music charts.  Originally written and recorded by Otis Redding a few months prior to Aretha Franklin’s lively rendition, the song has become an anthem for people all over the world.  It’s a soulful, popular song that addresses a topic all men, women, and children struggle with—disrespect.  

For most of us, I don’t have to describe what it looks like.  We’ve seen it or felt in one way or another over the years from people who do not know how to be polite or kind.  And sadly, for some, disrespect is a way of life.  But!  It doesn’t have to be that way for you and your family.  You can address disrespect and train or re-train your child on how to be respectful, even in their teen years.  It’s your goal as a parent to teach your children about respect in the earlier years so that you can help train them on it in their teen and adolescent years.  To learn more, read on because we’ll be addressing the six things every parent needs to know about teens and respect.  

Six Things to Know  

As I mentioned before, respect doesn’t happen on its own.  It has to be taught and trained.  Mandates of “you will respect me,” will not only be met with resistance, they’ll be ignored.  Wisdom is gathered through observation, reflection, and experience.  So, how your child observes you interact with the world and the people in it, will cause them to reflect on what they saw, and then that reflection will trickle down to how they experience relationships.  So, if we are respectful with and of others, then our children will pick up how to be respectful, too.  

The first step is realizing that respect is foundational.  If you don’t treat someone with admiration and affection, you won’t have a good relationship.  And the key to this is that it starts with you, mom and dad, not your child.  Consider how you’ve modeled disrespect for others.  How do you treat your spouse?  Your boss?  Your friends?  And then consider how you treat authority.  There’s no lack of poor examples in this arena.  So, what are you modelling for your kids?  

Next, you have to know that you can’t bully your child into giving you respect.  Respect must be earned.  It must be mutual, but so many parents don’t understand that concept because they have an authoritative idea of what parenting should look like.  The old “do as I say,” model is outdated and based on a model of fear.  It only leaves your teen feeling humiliated and resentful and fear is not a motivator.  Nor does it have any place in healthy relationships.  

Disrespect is the tell-tale sign that something is wrong in your relationship.  Respect grows out of relationship.  So, you need to ask yourself, what am I doing to keep my child from respecting me?  Matthew 7:5 tells us to pull the log out of our own eye before looking at the speck in our brother’s eye.  Your child is your brother or sister in Christ, so act accordingly.  It should go without saying that you don’t get to an abnormal place by having normal circumstances, so, please consider how you have contributed in causing your child’s hurt or trauma.  

Respect doesn’t happen on its own.  This is the time to really engage and go after your child’s heart.  Find out what has happened and come up with strategies to change it moving forward – and stick with it.  A lack of respect can have devastating consequences for generations to come!  

Talk about it!  Talking about respect and disrespect is healthy and when you can name the ways you’ve been disrespectful and how you’re going to change, you’re opening the door for your teenager to do the same.  

Don’t let disrespect fester.  If you don’t spend time pursuing respect, disrespect will blossom and eventually take over your life and your family.  It may not be easy, but it’s worth it!  So, keep at it.  

Some Practical Tips to Consider  

Respect is the cornerstone of any relationship.  Respecting someone means being polite and kind to someone, even when they may have a different opinion, or when they like something that you do not.  

Respect is not merely given in words, but is communicated in body language and attitudes, as well.  So, be sure to think before you speak and act.  

Create the rules you want to communicate.  

Give it time.  Keep moving forward, but know that if you’ve dug a hole, it’s going to take time and patience to pull yourself out.  

Accept your faults, apologize, and move on to make changes.  Each day we’re given is another day to make a positive difference.  

If your child is spinning out of control, remind them that you’re there for them.  Don’t engage in shouting matches and don’t shame them because shaming has never produced one great relationship.  

Finally, and most importantly, communicate with your teen.  Tell them you love them and that you’re on their side.  

Conclusion  

Mom, Dad … respect within your home is probably the most important feeling of admiration that must be conveyed by actions and communicated by words.  Initially, it begins with the example that you set before your children and then develops into opportunities to show respect amidst conflict and difficulties.  Respect is the one essential element of a home that provides the stage for all other aspects of interaction.  Disrespect destroys relationships and if you’ve been disrespectful to your teens, then admit your attitude and begin a new path that is based on respect of all people.  Your kids will one day thank you for your example and the requirements that you made of each family member.  

To learn more, visit  ParentingTodaysTeens.org 

Markas Gregstonas, “Parenting today’s teens” founder

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